Life with the Cullens
by Vampirelovex
Summary: Just Random Moments. i suck at Summarys. a bit OCC. R
1. Nicknames

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight but I will

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight but I will... Someday

(Bella's House: Bella & Edward)

Sex Ed!

Don't call me that.

Kay sex Ed

-Edward glared at Bella-

What!? Nicknames are sooo in.

Fine I'll call you…

Edward, what are you doing?

Giving you a nickname.

-Bella sighed-

nicknames are so 5 minutes ago!

A/N: lol one of my friends came up with the name Sex Ed. You know cause of his lack of sex... lol


	2. Candy Mountain

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight but I will

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight yet :( or Charlie the Unicorn or YouTube

(The Cullen Residence: Bella Edward Emmett)

Emmett?

Yes Bella?

We have to go to Candy Mountain? Charlie the unicorn appeared to me and told me to go!

-Emmett gasped-

Charlie the Unicorn appeared to you? Then we must set off on our Pilgrimage right away.

-Edward rolled his eyes-

You two do know Charlie the unicorn and Candy Mountain do not exists?

WHAT!? OF CORSE HE EXCISTS.

Bella honey he doesn't. Some dudes made him up on YouTube.

-Bella started to stamp her feet and then ran off with Emmett screaming that he does-

Why did I end up with the bizarre girlfriend?

-3 days later-

Oh Emmett that was fun, we'll have to go back and visit sometime soon.

I know Bella, Charlie is so funny. If it was possible I would of wet myself with laughter.

-Edward looked up-

Where have you guys been? And what are you talking about?

Silly sex Ed we went to visit Charlie the Unicorn in Candy Mountain.

-Bella handed him some pictures of the trip-

Bella, Emmett these are pictures of you with a cardboard cut out. It doesn't Even look like him. Did you get some 3 year old to colour this in?

-Emmett's lower lip started to quiver and Bella put her arm around him-

-Bella Hissed-

Now look what you've done. Well done Mr. I'm such a boring 108 year old virgin.

It's ok Emmet lets leave Mr Boring to be boring.

-Edward sighed-

I've really got to stop her drinking coffee.

A/N: i know not very good but i'm low on caffein. Ideas? Review please :)


	3. Batman

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight but I will

Disclaimer: I still do not own twilight, or Batman. ¬.¬

(The Cullen Residence: Emmet, Rosalie, Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper.)

Nananananananana BATMAN!

-Rosalie Glared at Emmett and turned round to look at Carlisle-

Carlisle Emmett dressed up as Batman and I'm not going unless he gets changed.

But but but.. Roseeee! I can't go and see the dark night and not get dressed up, and beside Esme said I could.

-Carlisle looked at Rosalie-

Now Rose Emmett's been waiting for this for a long time lets not spoil his fun.

-Rosalie muttered under her breath-

What a fecking retard

Hey! I heard that

-Emmet looked at Rosalie with his puppy eyes-

Emmett if that didn't work last night in the bedroom what makes you think it will work now?

-Emmet Grunted as Alice skipped down the stairs-

Lets go guys The Dark Night awaits us.

-At the Mall-

Wait didn't we forget some one?

-Meanwhile at the Cullen Residence-

Ok Guys lets go

-Edward looked round-

Um Hello... guys?

-Back at the mall-

Wait I have a Idea everybody raise your hand if your not hear

-Emmett waited for a moment-

Nope where all hear dude. Lets go!

-Everybody headed towards the theatre at the back of the mall-

Need to shop! Need to shop!

-Alice was twitching and looking around at all the shop's-

Alice are you ok?

-She looked up at Jasper wide eyed and carried on twitching-

Y..y..yes I'm Ffinee.

-Jasper looked at Alice concern on his face-

Ok if you say so and beside the theatres just hear

-They all walked into the theatre Emmet skipped (or what you could call skipping) in-

NANANANANANANA BATMAN!

-The trailers started and everyone gasped in excitement.-

When you can live forever what do you live for?

Meet Ella Cwan a average teenage living in Forks Washington

What will happen in her life when she meets the mysterious and intriguing Bedward Sullen

What will happen when she discovers Bedward's family Jalice, Asper, Erosalie, Remmet, Earlisle and Cesme are all Vampires?

12.12.08

-Everyone looked at Each other-

Does this remind you of… well us?

-They all looked at Jasper-

Don't be Ridiculous Jasper we where all thinking of the lost boys.

Gawdd

-3 hours later-

That was Amazing!

-They all walked out the doors and Edward was stood waiting-

You Left without me!

Oops

-Everybody looked at the floor and answered in unison-

Sorry Edward.

Its ok I suppose.

-A light appeared over Emmet's head and everyone looked at him-

Is that normal?

No I don't think so

-Emmett sighed-

Omec this is what happens when I have a Idea!

-Everyone done a double take on Emmett-

-He sighed-

Just ignore that my brilliant idea is why don't we all go and see Batman again?

-Everyone agreed and they went to watch batman five times afterwards then they lived happily ever after because there lives had been fulfilled-


	4. Xbox

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight ¬¬ or Xbox or My little pony

"Edward, let me on the Xbox

"Edward, let me on the Xbox! You've been on it for at least 6 hours."

"Not yet Jasper, I'm almost up to Level 120! Haha, die zombies, die!"

"But Edward…"

"Shut up Jasper, I'm losing my concentration."

"BUT ESME SAID IT'S MY TURN!"

They were arguing… again.

"Jasper, you can come play My Little Pony with me - isn't that right, Princess Emmettina?" Emmett said to his favourite toy.

"Neigh Emmett, let's play with Jazzy! Yay Jazzy!" Emmett said in a shrill girly voice, imitating 'Emmettina'.

"Um… Thanks but no thanks, Emmett." Jasper replied/

"Fine Jazzy, you're excluded from the Rainbows and Sparkles Club! Let's go, Emmettina. We're too good for these people."

"Okay, Emmett – first, don't call me Jazzy; and second, since when have I ever been in your 'Rainbows and Sparkles Club'?"

Emmet stared blankly into space for a moment thinking of a reply.

"Shut up, emo! Quick, poof us outta here Emmettina!"

"Sure thing, Emmett!" the My Little Pony answered and they disappeared.

"Okay, that was weird…" Jasper said.

"Like I didn't see it coming," Alice replied sarcastically.

Jasper scowled at Alice and turned back round to carry on his argument with Edward.

"EDWARD, IT'S MY TURN!!" he whined.

"In a minute," Edward answered, slightly frustrated.

Alice was getting really annoyed at this point; so she stood up and walked over to the Xbox, unplugged it and threw it out the window.

"There, sorted." she said, proud of her self for being so wonderfully clever - as always.

They both turned to look at Alice

"Oops, my bad. I suppose I better be going now," and with that she ran out the room.


	5. Orange Peel?

"Edward, let me on the Xbox

"CARLISLE, CARLISLE!"

"Oh God, what now?" Carlisle muttered to himself.

Edward and Jasper burst into the room.

"CARLISLE, ALICE THREW THE XBOX OUT THE WINDOW!" Jasper exclaimed Wiping Imaginary tears from his face

"Okay okay, no need to shout! I'm sitting right hear." He reminded them.

"Now explain to me what happened exactly."

"Well,"

"But the,"

"And then,"

"Boom!"

"ORANGE PEEL!" Emmett butted in.

Carlisle looked over at Emmett

"Orange peel?" He questioned him.

"I thought you were playing that game where you say words that match the one before."

"What does orange peel have to do with boom? And where did you come from anyway"

"Pfft, and you're the one with the medical degree, when I was human my Mum and Da…"

"NO, EMMETT! I meant where did you appear from just then."

He looked around.

"You will never know, mwuhahaha!" and he ran off. Carlisle sighed.

Carlisle turned to look at Edward and Jasper.

"It's a Xbox get over it, go buy a new one"

The boys looked at Carlisle offended by his harsh words.

"Fine Carlisle we don't need you anyway," Shouted Edward and they walked out.


	6. I'm not Emo

"Edward, let me on the Xbox

Disclaimer:I Don't own twilight

(Jaspers Diary)

Dear Diary,

Hi. Today sucked. Stupid Edward made Alice throw the Xbox out the window, oh how will I go on.

That Xbox was the love of my life. Nobody understands my pain like you do Diary.

You're my only friend.

Stupid Edward, we went out to buy a new Xbox (it will never replace the old one. EVER)

And he called me Emo. I'M NOT EMO.

You understand I'm not emo, right diary?

I mean just because I avoid people and enjoy spending time on my own being emotional doesn't make me emo.

And before diary Emmett called me Emo as well. So I went off and cried dry tears.

Life Sucks, I killed my pet racoon. WHY AM I DOOMED TO THIS ETENAL MISERY?

I have to go now Diary Alice said I have to go to see my therapist, only you understand me.

Bye Diary

Love Jasper x


	7. Normal day

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight ¬¬ Or do I

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight ¬¬ Or do I?... Nope I don't :(

A/N: The first four characters listed below are OC Most of this wont make sense but I wrote it as soon as I woke up from a dream last night ;) tell me if you cant understand most of it.

(The Cullen's house: Kurt, Jam (don't ask), Tom, Bart, Edward, Bella, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, Carlisle and Esme)

It was a normal day (or what you could call normal) at the Cullen house.

Jasper was sitting alone in the corner having a strop because Carlisle refused to let him buy a kitten

-Flash Back-

"No Jasper, remember what happened when I let you keep that racoon?" He had said

"But Carlisle this time its different" Jasper whined, he seams' to do that a lot.

"Jasper you said that last time" Carlisle Sighed. "Just do as you're told, Okay?"

-End of flashback-

Rosalie was looking at herself in the mirror.

"Who's the prettiest of them all? I AM," she was saying to herself over and over.

Edward was sitting at the Piano with Bella playing her, her lullaby.

Esme was doing 'Esme things' in other words some pointless activity like baking to bide her time.

Emmett was playing Mario Kart on the wii.

Alice was trying on all her clothes… again

And Carlisle was in his office doing paperwork, when the door bell rang.

Esme answered the door with her fresh pie so she could offer some for the strangers.

"Why hello there" she sang "would you like some pie?"

The 4 boys at the door looked up afraid and mesmerised by the woman's beauty.

The tall one with the scruffy hair who was named Kurt managed to get out a 'No thanks, I'm not aloud food from strangers, and we need to sell our cookies."

Esme started to cry dry tears "you don't like my pie"

Rosalie walked to the door to see what was wrong with Esme when she saw the smallest one who was called Tom.

"OHMIGODYOURGORGEOUSEI'MGONNAKEEPYOUASMYOWN"she started to shout and then she picked him up

"EMMETT WE HAVE A CHILD" Rose screamed.

Emmett walked out the room

"What the freak…" he stared at Bart the skinny one

"YOU KILLED CHARLIE THE UNICORN"

Bella ran to Emmet "Ch...Ch...Charlie the unicorns Dead?" she coughed out.

She turned to Bart

"Emmett how do you know it's him?"

Emmett held up a photograph taken several months back they looked the same

"He has to die" Bella said

Bart started to shake.

"But...But...But my hair was long I only got it cut last month it used to be long" he started to cry.

"No excuses"

Emmett lunged at Bart "DIE UNICORN KILLER DIE"

Jam who was stood next to Bart's limp drained dead body started to scream

"Nooooo how will I go on without my beloved Bart, who else will I listen to gay bar with?"

"Well I could always kill you as well" Emmett offered.

Jam pulled a needle out of his pocket.

"No I will inject you with a rare disease first to avenge my beloved's death"

Emmett started to laugh

"It's like Déjà va all over again, hey Bella."

Jam ran at Emmett with the needle and attempted to plunge it through Emmett's skin but the needle just snapped.

Jam sighed

"Just kill me now, okay?" Jam said miserably.

"Wait I have a better idea"

Emmett put a pair of cat ears on Jam and gave him to Jasper

"There ya go Jazz I got you a kitten"

Jam turned to look at Emmett

"I'm not a kitte... oh what the use it's not worth it. Meow"

Jasper started to squeal

"Yay a kitten" he grabbed Jam and took him away.

"I think I'll call you princess" he giggled.

Rosalie suddenly appeared with Tom who was in a pink dress

"Isn't he gorgeous," Tom looked up at Rose petrified. She then ran off to Carlisle

"Let's go see your granddad" she cooed

Alice ran down the stairs "I can't see the future. Tell those Damn wolves to get out"

She screeched

Kurt who was left in the doorway looked at Alice.

"Wolves?"

Kurt Started to tremble

"Ahh what's happening to me" he then phased. His clothes messing up there perfect drive way. Startled by his sudden change, he then phased back just as Mike was driving towards the Cullen house. Kurt looked at Mike and they fell in love. Kurt had imprinted. And so they embraced each other in there arms and ran off into the sunset.

Edward stood at the door scarred for life from seeing Kurt naked.

"I think I should start going to therapy."


	8. Is there music?

Disclaimer: I still don't own twilight, Darn.

(Geography: Edward and Bella)

"Hey Sex Ed, I don't get question one what's the answer?" Bella whispered to Edward.

"Okay don't call me Sex Ed, Please and the answer is constructive plates."

"Thanks Sex Ed" Bella winked at Edward.

"Bella."

"Fine. EDWARD." Bella shouted.

"Bella Swan, quiet" scolded the teacher.

"Um Bella every ones looking at you now, you know you shouldn't shout…in a class full of people…During lesson." Edward muttered

"Oh yeah," Bella laughed silently to herself "I forgot about that,"

Edward sighed

"Bella really what am I supposed to do with you," Edward smiled at her.

"Do what with me, Edward what are you talking about?"

He sighed

"never mind"

"Oh okay, wait Edward can you hear that?" there was a low murmuring of 'all the things she said' playing in the background.

"Hear what?" he answered.

"That Music, where's it coming from? Cant you hear it?" Bella started to fidget franticly in her chair.

"Bella there's no music playing."

"BUT I CAN HEAR IT" She Jumped up and screamed.

"BELLA SWAN SILENCE" Exclaimed the teacher.

"NO I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE IT WONT SHUT UP." and she ran out the room

" I guess I'm paying for her therapy as well." Edward sighed

A/N: this happened to me in geography today.No one else could hear it But I swear it was playing, honest xD oh and I didn't run out. XD and I was only talking to Georgia, not Edward. Sigh if only…


	9. I like milk

Disclaimer: I still don't own twilight

(Bella's house: Edward and Bella)

"Hey Edward"

"Bella?"

"Isn't milk great?"

"Well no not really, Seeing as I'm a Vampire and I don't eat food or drink liquids."

"Yeah but its milk, You have to like it."

Edward Sighed

"Okay Bella I like milk, are you happy now?"

"No I hate milk. And Edward Vampires only drink blood, unless your Mike in disguise"

"No, Bella I'm not Mike"

"Oh yeah, I don't like cats."

"lovely Bella."

A/N: i don't know, i really dont.


	10. Bob enjoys Cheese

A/N: I don't know, don't ask

**A/N: I don't know, don't ask. I have no inspiration ¬¬ I blame Kurt.**

Disclaimer: Me no own twilight ¬¬

(The Cullen residence: Rosalie and Emmett)

"Rose, Rose! Guess what?"

Rosalie looked away from her mirror.

"Why is he always spoiling my me time" she thought to herself.

"What is it Emmett? It better be important."

"Well Rose I have done the most amazing thing ever" Emmet said proudly.

"And... what is it? Spit it out Emmett."

"Why would I want to spit it out, wait can I spit hmmm…"

"Emmett, just tell me what you wanted to say already!"

"Oh yeah… wait what was I going to say again ummm, something about cheese?"

"Wait or was it about Jim… Never mind see ya later Rose" Emmett said and he walked off.

-5 minutes later-

"ROSE! ROSE!"

Rosalie turned on her chair to look at Emmett who was bounding towards her.

"What now Emmett?" Rosalie snapped

"I remembered what it was now."

"Emmett I don't care, go ask someone else... like Jasper."

"But…But I don't like him, he said Charlie the unicorn isn't real" Emmett Shoved a piece of paper in front of Rosalie and she sighed.

"Fine Emmett I'll read it." She grabbed the Paper and began to read aloud.

"Once upon a time there was a man named bob, he liked cheese. One day bob died and his last words where you're mum. The end."

Rosalie glared at Emmett.

"You disturbed me, so I could read this. Emmett it's terrible! Now go and waste someone else's time. You are so annoying!"

Emmett sniffed.

"Well Esme said it was good. I don't need you"

Emmett stormed out.

"CARLISLE, CARLISLE! GUESS WHAT?"

**A/N: I was bored, I don't like this. Any suggestions for the next chapter?**


	11. Fangirls!

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight.

**A/N: This one's dedicated to My buddie Kate she helped me write it, she's awesome. :D**

"Edward I'm bored" Bella was jumping around the room giggling.

"Well Bella what would you like to do?" Edward asked.

"LETS PRANK CALL MIKE NEWTON" Bella started the roll on the floor laughing when Alice danced gracefully down the stairs.

Edward had already dashed to the door before Alice had finished descending the stairs.

Beating her to opening the door to the two girls.

Two girls stood on the porch with a Book in their hands, awed gazes fixed on their faces.

Edward stared in confusion, and _then_ the squealing started.

''Oh My Edward Cullen! Your even sexier in person! I'm Kate by the way.'' One of the girls cried.

"The Book was right he is Perfection! I'm Jessica and I LOVE YOU EDWARD MARRY ME" The other one shouted.

"What the Carlisle?" Edward looked at the girls at the door.

"WHO are you!?"

"I'm, Your future wife" The tallest one named Jess beamed.

"No, I'M your future wife!" Kate glared at Jess.

The two of them almost had a bitch fight before Edward intervened.

''Woah, woah. What?'' Edward questioned.

''Well,'' Kate cleared her throat ''Your gonna marry one of us.''

''Sorry, I can't. I'm already married.'' Edward laughed

.

''Would you like to reveal the whereabouts of your wife?'' Kate had a devilish smile on her face.

''May I ask why?'' Edward's facial expression was bizarre.

''I'd like to shoot her.'' Kate shrugged.

"Wait, I thought i was going to shoot her! No fair." Jess crossed her arms.

"Look, No one is going to shoot my Wife." Edward Stated

"She makes out with Jacob and you still love her. Its ridiculous. I'd never Cheat on you Edward i loveee you!" Jess exclaimed

"Wait, How the hell do you know that?"

''We've read the Books, silly.'' Kate snorted.

Edward stared, bewildered and closed the door.

''That was weird.'' he shook his head and walked back to the living room.

**A/N: In case you didn't know I'm Jess :D**


	12. Edward Cullen has a barbie collection?

I own Twilight Muahaha

I own Twilight Muahaha!...... Fine then! I don't really. Why must you taunt me so!

(Out Hunting: Edward, Jasper and Emmet)

Edward was just about to tuck into his nice tasty lion when his phone started to ring. He flipped it up answering his beloved.

"Yes my dear what is it" he was starting to get bored now he had waited a whole 3 seconds and he was hungry.

"Ed…Ed…Edward" Bella said through sobs. Edward started to run alarmed his by loves tone of voice. Was she in danger? She was all that mattered at this point in time.

"I'm on my way" he said into his phone, slamming it shut.

He ran to her house knocking down every door that got in his way and an extra one for good luck. He burst into Bella's room and found her hugging her knee's in the corner.

He did a quick 360 round the room ready to attack any imposters. When he looked at the wall he saw something that made him giggle (yes Fan girls of the world Edward Cullen was giggling).

Suddenly Jessica and Kate walked in and slapped Edward breaking their wrists in the process.

Edward looked at them

"Where do you come from?"

"Well silly we where born in England and have lived out lives tracking you down and now we follow you everywhere, we're surprised you haven't noticed yet"

"No I haven't noticed. Now go away!"

The two girls walked out the house heart broken

"He never appreciates us does he?" Jessica said to Kate

"No, no he doesn't dear but one day he will, you'll see!"

Edward turned back round to the thing that made him giggle

There was some sort of creature cocooning on the wall He walked over to the creature and squished it.

"You're unbelievable Bella. You're afraid of this measly bug yet you'll sit in a room full of vampires and it won't raise a hair on your body"

He turned round to face her only to find she was asleep.

"Bella, Bella, Bella." Edward shook his head

"If only you where Lauren. God she's hot."

Bella sat up

"SHUT UP EDWARD CULLEN OR I'LL PAY JASPER TO BURN YOUR BARBIE COLLECTION!"

Edward looked at Bella.

"You wouldn't!"

"Wanna bet?" Bella said evil echoing in her voice.

Suddenly Alice popped up

"Hey, stop stealing my lines!"

"Sorry Alice, hey do you want to go watch Maggie and the ferocious beast?"

"Sure thing" Alice said to Bella all happy and such.

"What about me?" Edward said upset!

"You can clean up." Said Bella

"Fine!" Edward said in a moody voice "I'll have more fun on my own!"

"That's cool" said Alice "c'mon Bella," and the walked off to watch telly.

.


	13. Pig's Cannibles

T| 4|-|---a--G--a--G--a--e--a--d--|------------|---a--G--a--G--a--e--a--d-|-

Disclaimer: Thy doseth noteth ownet twilighteth.

(Bella's house watching Maggie and the Ferocious beast: Alice and Bella)

Bella's face dropped.

"Hamilton's trying to feed the chicken a hot dog" she pointed to the television.

"What a cannibal," Alice said disgusted.

"Lets go get him" Bella said, Alice agreed and they set off to get Hamilton in nowhere land.

A/N: Short I know but I was watching Maggie and the ferocious beast (there's nothing on when everyone's in school) and Hamilton who is a pig tried to feed the chicken a hot dog. Pfft I was appalled and thus this was born. Reviews please x]


	14. The real Esme Cullen

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or the teletubbies -

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or the teletubbies -.- and I haven't been abducted by aliens. I SWEAR! –Looks round suspiciously and run's away carrying spoon collection-

[The Cullen's house: Emmett and Jasper]

Jasper was sat in the corner stroking Jam when suddenly his ears fell off.

"YOU IMPOSTER YOU ATE MY CAT" Jasper looked at Jam. This was not his cat! This person had eaten the real jam and then suddenly took his place. Even though they looked identical this was not the Jam that Jasper had owned yesterday. He knew his cat and this was not it!

Jasper bit Jam just as Carlisle walked in. He looked at Jasper

"Oh no not again, Esme bring in the paper towels," Carlisle shouted.

Esme walked in and looked at Jasper.

"Oh so you'll eat people but not my pie! And after all I have done for you this is how you repay me? Well guess what mister I can be cruel to!"

Esme walked over to Emmett who was in the corner playing with his teletubbies puppets she took Po and ripped it in half.

"Muhahaha! I'm sooo evil it feels so good" she ran out laughing.

Everybody just sat there stunned.

"Jasper you clean up the mess you have made and we never mention this again. Understood?"

Jasper and Emmett nodded and the whole thing was forgotten. Or was it? –Cue Esme's evil laugh-

A/N: I don't know I'm half asleep cause I've had night nurse sorry if it dosent make sence.(for those of you who don't know who the teletubbies are I have put a link to a picture of them on my profile)


End file.
